November 16, 2023 was one of the hardest days I have had in a really long time. It was the day I learned that my little brother had passed away. No one can prepare you for a loss like that. Lots of emotions have been felt. It has been a wave and a rollercoaster all in one ride.
Because I use this blog as my journal now, I am going to write about all the things that came to be that day. I haven't taken time to write it down until now and I really feel like this is part of the healing process is being able to express your feelings.
On Thursday, November 16, 2023 I was at work at the bookstore. It was just my boss Karin and I working that day. The day was going along like any other day. About 1:00 my dad called me. He doesn't call me super often and I answered his call. I could tell that he had a lot of emotion in his voice and he started to talk to me. He told me that Kelden was gone and that he was heading to the hospital to find out where he was. I said wait what? While I was on the phone, Karin had mouthed do you need to go? I had nodded my head, but she didn't know what was wrong. I then headed to the break room to finish talking to my dad. I said you mean Kelden has died or he is hurt? How did you find out? He said he had gotten a phone call from someone saying that Kelden was gone and that he was heading to Roosevelt. I asked him who he had called to let them know and he said he had only talked to Deed and couldn't get a hold of Breann. I then lost service with him. I immediately try to call Bre and she did not answer. I called Ty, who was in Moab and said that he needed to head for home because I had just heard Kelden had died and that I didn't know any details around the situation. Once I got upstairs, I told her what happened and that I needed to go tell my mom because she didn't know yet. Karin was great and cried with me and then made sure I was ok to drive on my own. I told her I'd be fine and that I would touch bases with her soon. That was another tender mercy that I wasn't alone when I found out the news.
That drive to my mom's work was really hard. I was crying but was still in shock because I didn't have any answers to anything. I was still in a bit of denial because my dad couldn't answer any of my questions. Because of his dementia he couldn't remember any details and he couldn't tell me where he was going or heading. All the feelings and emotions really made a mess of his thought processes. When I got to my mom's work, I said out loud, Heavenly Father help me through this. This is going to be really hard.
My mom happened to be walking out of her office building door. She looked at me and said Chels what is wrong? I gave her a hug and couldn't quit crying. I could not speak because how was I supposed to tell her that her son was gone? Finally I said into her ear, as we were hugging, that Kelden had passed away. I hugged her and said I'm so so sorry mom. She was in disbelief like I had been. She said what happened? I said I didn't know. Dad said he collapsed at work, but I don't know any other details. As we stood there hugging and crying, my phone started to ring, it was Bre. I answered and said hey have you talked to dad? I think she could hear the emotion in my voice and said she no I haven't, what is wrong? I then had to tell my sister that Kelden had passed away but I didn't know any of the details. She was in disbelief as well. I then said to her that she needed to go find dad because he couldn't tell me where he was or where he was heading. All I knew was that he was heading to Roosevelt and to the hospital. She said ok, I'll call him.
I then walked into my mom's boss and told him that I needed to take my mom home with me and that my brother had passed away. Mom and I were numb walking out to the car. We got in the car and drove to my house. We didn't know if we needed to head to Vernal or if we waited to hear more information. We sat in the car for 45 minutes. We started to bargain. We said maybe he just collapsed and is at the hospital and he isn't dead. I then said maybe we should call the hospital. We called them and they had no record of Kelden being there. We then called dispatch and there was also no record of Kelden's name for that day. We were SO confused! We even tried to call Kelden's phone because maybe he would answer?
Finally my sister finds my dad after a goose chase. We tell her that Kelden is not at the hospital and we don't know where he is at. We tell her she need to gets dads phone and see who the person was that called dad and try to get more details because dad couldn't remember. Mom and I sat on my couch for 30 minutes waiting for the phone call from someone. That was the longest 30 minutes of my life. I could see that Bre's location was at the mortuary in Roosevelt. Finally she calls me. She said that Kelden was there and that they couldn't see him because he was being taken to Salt Lake for an autopsy. That is when my heart sank again. It was true... my little brother had passed away.
After that, the next week was a bit of a whirlwind and also a blur. Phone calls to the funeral home, bishop, family members, friends, then started to commence. It was really hard to be the one once again to break news to friends and family. Later that night we had to put it on social media because someone other than family decided to say something. Bre and I were not ready to put it out there, but we also felt like we needed to because it needed to come from family not just some random person.
My mom and I sat on the couch the rest of the night. Crying and just sitting there. My kids didn't really understand or get it because they didn't have much of a relationship with Kelden. They were sad because me and grandma were sad. Ty gave me and my mom blessings of comfort. It truly was so nice to feel of the love from my Heavenly Father and know that He knew what was going on.
The amount of people reaching out and saying things was truly astounding. People that I hadn't heard from in years were reaching out. The amount of prayers that were being offered in our behalf was amazing. I can truly say that power of prayer is real. The peace that has been felt was because of prayers is real. It is sad that I had to go through something like this to be able to empathize and sympathize with others during a time like this. My eyes have been opened and my heart now can hold space for others that are grieving like this.
My mom and I headed to Vernal on Friday morning to spend time with my sister and my dad. My dad was so sad. With his memory loss, this emotional trauma about did him in. He could not remember things. He couldn't remember dates and times. He couldn't really remember what a funeral was. It was really hard to see him struggling in so many different avenues. It was also hard for me to tell people that if they needed details and communication that they needed to go through me and not my dad. Some of the funeral planning fell onto each of our shoulders (me, Bre, and Mom) because we knew that my dad was not mentally capable to handle it. That was another hard.
We were able to sit and talk with Kelden's girlfriend that night. It was really my first time talking to her. She was very sweet and she had been the one that had spent the most time with him. She was able to give us some answers that we had been searching for. The info she had heard from his coworkers was that he was at work when he passed and that they think it may have been from a fentanyl overdose. I guess this is one of the worst drugs out there right now. It has killed many many people. She say that he may have relapsed only about 2 weeks prior to that. It was really hard to hear that he had relapsed because he was doing so so well. This is the best we had ever seen him. He was only 3 days shy of his 1 year sobriety when he passed away. It goes to show that addiction is an everyday battle.
We were able to see Kelden's body on Saturday. I think a lot of us were in denial because none of us had been able to see him yet. It was just our immediate family that was going to go. We were going to plan the funeral arrangements on Sunday. That is also the day that his girlfriend was going to come. Saturday morning is when my anger hit. I was really really mad that once again we were cleaning up the hurt Kelden had caused. The waves of emotions are insane. I have never felt them like this before. It took me a few hours to calm down, but I did end up calming down. Saturday we picked out his flowers and made some phone calls to see if some people could be pallbearers. We were to meet at the funeral home about 3 to see Kelden.
I had seen a dead person before, but nothing could prepare me for when I saw my brother. It truly looked like he was asleep. I kept waiting for him to wake up. The tears fell freely and we all just hugged each other. The longer we sat there the more peace we felt. I know he was there with us. I know he was sad as well. We all have felt at different times that he was not ready to leave this earth. The moments with my brother's body were some of the best quality time I have had with him. I could feel him near. I could feel of his love. None of us really wanted to leave (except my dad, he was not comfortable seeing everyone cry and him crying).
Funeral arrangements thankfully didn't have any hiccups. We were able to hold the funeral that the church that we grew up going to (tender mercy). Breann and I decided we would share memories of our brother together. Which was very tender thing to do. My mom, sister, and I were able to go shopping for some things for Kelden to wear. It was a tender mercy that we didn't see anyone that we knew at the store. That was one huge tender mercy for me and that I didn't see anyone or have to talk to anyone before the viewing. I saw those that came to my dad's to visit, but I didn't run into anyone while we were out and about.
The day of the viewing was hard. I had lot of pent up nerves. I didn't know how I was going to handle seeing all these people and handling all the emotions of others. Another tender mercy was that I was able to shield myself really well. I could let others feel emotions, but I didn't have to take them on. The kids were able to see Kelden before the viewing. I then had Debbie come get them because they didn't need to stay there for 2 hours. We had prepped them and told them that it might be uncomfortable and that it was ok to feel however they needed to feel. It was once again a tender time to be with them and also to feel Kelden near.
Ty was a great support for me. He did push me to feel happy, he let me cry when I needed to cry, he gave me space, but then was there when I needed him to be. I knew he didn't know how to help me, but he did the best he could and I appreciate him so much for that.
Another tender moment was going through pictures with my mom and sister. So many memories. He was such a cute little baby. It did make my heart hurt that around the age of 15 he wasn't in a lot of the pictures anymore. I said out loud, where were you bud? What were you doing? It is sad how addicts start distancing themselves from loved ones. It was crazy to see the timeline of when it started.
The grief fog is real. I honestly don't remember a lot of details for those 2 weeks. I was in a daze and also kind of numb. I couldn't remember things and I know I probably repeated myself a lot.
The day of the funeral was actually quite a chilly day. Lots of nerves again. It also had a lot of finality behind it. I knew it was going to be the last time I saw my brother's body here on this earth. We had flashlights to put into the casket with Kelden. Kelden was afraid of the dark and so we didn't want him to be in the dark. The little girls job was to turn them on and place them in the casket when it was time. It was again a tender thing to see my kids say good bye to their uncle.
There were so many people that we met during the viewing and the funeral that Kelden's life had touched. It was so neat to hear from others that have or did struggle with addiction that Kelden is the one that helped them in their darkest time. Kelden did touch so many lives. He loved everyone.
Ty gave the family prayer and it was so beautiful. It was very hard to stand up there at the casket and say our final goodbyes. No one should have to bury their son, brother, friend.
Once the funeral was over, we headed to the gravesite. It was a pretty chilly day and sadly we weren't able to spend lots of time there because it was so cold. Seeing Addi and Parker as pallbearers was a tender moment too. Even though they weren't super close with Kelden, they were still able to do acts of love for him.
I honestly can't remember all the little tender moments that were felt in the last month. Things from check ins, flowers, prayers, food, cards, candles, hugs, and many other little things were all genuinely felt.
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