March 20th- a day of miracles

 March 20th was another one of the hardest days I've had. I am kind of tired of having hard days. I am exhausted. 

This endeavor started the weekend of the 9th. The same weekend we did Kelden's temple work. Part of that weekend's events was taking my dad to a dr.'s appointment, finishing up some estate work with the lawyer, and also some banking documents signed. My dad's Alzheimers has really taken a rapid decline since Kelden passed away. When he was first diagnosed it was with his ex wife. We didn't know all that went on in that appointment and that dr is also no longer working in Vernal. When we put my dad on the waitlist at the beehive home in February, we asked for a reference of a dr. She suggest Dr. Haws and so we took her up on that suggestion. 

My dad does not do check ups and rarely goes to the dr but we knew we needed to see how he was doing overall. Bre and I took him and he wasn't too excited about going. I stepped out of the patient waiting room and kind of gave the dr a heads up of what was going on with dad. His memory definitely is failing him but other than that the appointment went well. He even allowed them to do a blood draw and we are so grateful dad did that. Once the appointment was over, I held back and talked to the Dr. I asked him his thoughts and then also what he thought about him going into an assisted living home. The dr really was so kind and was so gentle with my dad. He told me that he definitely has Alzheimers and that because he lives alone it is just going to get harder to take care of him. I had told him that we had dad on a waitlist at the beehive home and I asked when he thought dad should be placed in one. Bre and I knew it would be soon but we didn't know how soon. The dr. said if there was one open today he would suggest him going in that day. That definitely was not the response me or Breann were expecting. 

After the appointment I text Misti (owner of the beehive home) and also she is a  MIRACLE placed into our lives 12 years ago. We met Misti when Addi started preschool when she was 3. Misti was one of Addi's favorite teachers at preschool. Who knew that she would play a part in our lives once again. God knew though. Anyways, I text her to tell her that we needed to be moved up on the list and if there was a room open that we didn't want to be looked over. Within 5 minutes she text me and asked how soon we were needing one because there was one open and it could be ours. Another MIRACLE. I didn't even know what to do with that information. I called Breann and said we really needed to consider it and talk through it. While she was at the hospital being monitored I went and toured the facility. The facility is literally right around the corner from Breann's house, another MIRACLE. That is why I stopped in Roosevelt to talk to Breann more about what we should do. 

It has been hard having this decision placed upon me and her. We are adults, but we know no one else our age that has had to make a decision like this. It is hard because we are both in the middle of raising our families and we do not have space in our lives to give dad 24/7 care. He has been leaving in the middle of the night, doesn't eat well, and also forgets where he should be. He still recognizes us, but doesn't remember names very well. It is also getting hard to carry on conversations with him because he can't give a lot of detail words.

While we were at the temple doing Kelden's temple work, I don't know if my dad understood what we were doing there or why we were there. He had a good attitude about going, but he was definitely ready to be home. It is has been hard to see my dad as who he is, but he isn't the same guy. I wish we could just see what is going on in that brain of his. 

Bre and I went back and forth trying to decide if now was the time to place him, or if we needed to wait. She had been having complications with her pregnancy and so we weren't sure if we should wait until after she had the baby or not. 

The Tuesday, after his appointment Bre received a phone call from the Dr's office telling us that dad's blood work had come back relatively normal. Everything was on the normal range except his A1C levels. Which is an average of his blood sugar levels of the last 3 months. An average person's blood sugar should be around a 5-6 and dads was at a 10.6. And that is just an average. He has probably been going above that number. We knew he was borderline type 2 diabetic, but this number indicates that he is a for sure type 2 diabetic. The dr. wanted him on medicine but it is a medicine that has to be taken twice a day. He said he would need someone to administer it to him each time because we knew dad wouldn't remember if he had taken it or not. 

We had a few more questions for the Dr. and had the nurse ask for him to call us back. It took him a couple days and once we did talk to him we told him that the Beehive Home did have an opening for him and that we were highly considering him going in. I asked the dr what the best way to place him would be and he said that we need to be as honest as we can. He said that he would be the bad guy because if my dad was to get angry at someone he wanted it to him at him(dr.) not at us girls. Dad would remember the emotion of being mad at us, but probably wouldn't remember why. The dr is someone in dads life that he doesn't really have to deal with on a daily basis. 

After our talk with the dr we told Misti that we wanted the room. The only day that I could make it work was the 19th and 20th. The dr said that we could have an early morning appointment where he would explain to dad why he needed to be in a place that would take care of him. But we also needed to have an assessment of dad from the beehive nurse. We did that the night before. 

The wait time between then was absolutely awful. We didn't know if Bre was going to have her baby, we didn't know if we were doing the right thing, we didn't know how dad was going to handle it, we didn't know if it would be a fight to get him there. But we had many tender moments in that waiting time. Kelden visited Breann, I found a coin almost every single day, I had a dream that if bre and I could do this together that we could do anything. Many tiny MIRACLES happened in that waiting time. Lot and lots of prayers went out too. We had so many people praying for us. I also poured my heart out in prayer. That all our angels on the other side would come together to help me, Bre, and my dad. I knew we needed all the help we could get. 

On the 19th Ty and I headed out to Vernal. We stopped to see Bre for a bit before we headed over to days. I wanted to go over a little early and see if I could help clean up some things and also maybe put a few of his things in a pile for the next day. Dad had woken up the night before and had driven around town for a couple hours. When we met up with him he had told us that he had been out driving for at least 8-9 hours. Bre came over for dinner and then our "friends" were coming over to visit us. Which was the assessment piece. It went ok, they tried to make it as normal as they could. They tried to ask him questions like how many kids do you have, can you get around on your own ok, are you married, things like that kind of woven through conversation. Dad and I were looking through a picture book I had made him. He didn't recognize us as little kids, but he knew who we were once we got older. He loved the pictures that were of him and Kelden fishing. He would said wow that is a good sized one right there! Then he would show our friends the picture. Bre snapped this photo of me and him looking through the pictures. I didn't even know she had taken it. 

We also had waited to tell any of our dads sisters our decision because we knew they would have a strong opinion about it. We didn't tell them until the night before. For the most part they understood, but they were also like ohhh he is not going to like that. 

Ty and I went home afterwards and we had told Dad we would be back in the morning to take him to the Dr. He said well why can't you just go for me? I told him that the Dr. had his results and that we needed to hear what he had to say. I was a bundle of nerves all night. I had no idea how he was going to handle it. Ty and I picked him up at 7:45 am. Bre wasn't able to make it because it was just a little too early for her, but she was going to meet us for breakfast afterward. As we are entering the building, my prayer was to my brother. I said Ok, Kelden here we go. This is where I need you. We got into the office and the Dr. met me in his office first while my dad and Ty went into the exam room. The dr. told me what he was going to do and kind of say. He suggested that we just keep looping back to this office visit. 

The appointment went well. The dr. showed dad his blood sugar levels and then did a memory assessment on him. He asked dad to draw a clock with the numbers on it and put the hands at 11:10. Dad didn't know what to do and ended up coping some words that were at the bottom of the sheet. It broke my heart. The dr. then told dad how dangerously high his blood sugar levels were. That he needed to be on medicine so that he didn't end up with a heart attack, stroke, or be in ketoasadosis. Which are all real things that can happen. He told him he doesn't want to see him end up in the hospital and that we as his family wanted him to be safe and healthy too. The dr said there is a facility that is available to help you and that you can go and stay at while they help you get your numbers down. He asked dad do you think that is somewhere you would be willing to go? I think I literally held my breath because I did not know what was going to happen next. Another MIRACLE happened. Dad said yeah I think I could do that. Said in a voice as calm as could be. I looked at Ty and my expression said it all... What did he just say?!? Soon after that we wrapped up the appointment. As we were walking out, I said to the Dr. I don't know how much of that he understood. He said I don't either, but just keep looping back to he needs help getting his blood sugar down. 

He didn't seem super agitated once we got to the car. We told him we'd go get some breakfast since it was still early in the morning. Bre met us there and we had a great time just sitting and visiting. Afterwards we headed to his house to take him home. Bre was then going to ask him how the appointment went once we got there. 

Another few MIRACLES that happened is that when Bre went for her appointment for the baby the Monday before everything look completely fine and her blood pressure was also perfectly fine. The same thing happened on Thursday. She had been staying the night in the hospital because her readings were not good. Baby girl knew we couldn't handle any other stresses that week. 

Once we got to his house, Breann asked dad how his appointment went. Dad said it went fine and that the Dr. was a really nice guy. Ty had brought in the paper that had his levels on it and he said do you want to tell Bre about your levels? Dad couldn't remember what they said about it and so we helped tell Bre what the Dr had said. We then brought up again that there is a facility that will help him. He said well they might not have room for me. We then told him that they did and that they were waiting for him that day. He said really? We gently then told him we needed to pack a few things for him because he would be needed to stay the night there until his numbers could come down. We asked if he would like to help pack or if he wanted us to do it for him. He said he would help us. 

The feeling in his house as we had this conversation with him was like nothing I had ever felt. He was so willing to do whatever and was so calm. That is not like my dad. He is very opinionated and is very head headed. He willingly helped us put things in his suitcase and he asked if he could bring this that or the other. He asked if he could take his pocket knife and we said no. Which he takes his pocket knife everywhere and a MIRACLE happened and he just said oh ok and left it on his night stand. 

As Bre and I were helping dad pack I walk out to the living room and Ty is just sitting on the couch. I said what's wrong? He starts to tear up and he said there are so many people in this house right now. I don't normally feel them, but I can feel all the angles here right now. I started to tear up too, but I said I can't cry right now. Because dad doesn't handle crying well and things were moving so smoothly. The MIRACLE was that our angles did come to our rescue. We had so so so many. 

Dad asked if he could take his truck. We said sure. At this point we were just going with the flow because he was willing to go. We knew we could come back to get things if we needed to. Our biggest goal was just to get him there. As we were leaving he said ok who am I riding with? We all kind of were shocked and said oh it doesn't matter who you ride with. MIRACLE was that he handed over all his keys to Ty and Bre willingly. He also handed over his wallet to Bre. I can't explain in words the calmness that was surrounding my dad. He was so willing to do things. I cry just writing this down because it was so tender and such an answer to prayers. 

We got him to the home and started labeling all his things. His initial needed to be on all of his items. As we were leaving dads house we grabbed a couple of his books that he has been reading. Bre grabbed one and I grabbed one. As we were labeling things Bre opened the book and look up at me with tears in her eyes. Kelden had written his name in the top corner of the book. MIRACLE was that he was letting us know he was there with us. We had no idea that one of the books had been his. As we wrapped up writing on all of his things, both Bre and I needed to get going. He kept asking how long he was going to be there and we kept saying until your levels come down. I guess as we were leaving and giving him a hug goodbye, Ty said my dad had tears in his eyes. I hadn't looked at him as I was leaving because I had yet to break down and I knew I was going to be able to cry once I got outside. It was such a hard thing telling him goodbye. Once we got outside Bre and I just hugged and cried. I cried the entire way home. I cried because of all the MIRACLES, I cried because of how sick my dad is, I cried that he is not the same man I grew up knowing as my dad, I cried that I am having to do hard things, I cried that my dad is still so young to be placed in an assisted living, I cried knowing he will soon realize he can't go home, I cried because I had been holding onto so much stress. 

We came home and I had the kids write a note or color a picture for him. He did have a hard first few days. He wanted to break out, he wanted to go home, he didn't like being around all the people. What it stemmed down to is that he didn't like that he couldn't come and go as he pleased. 

That night after I had gotten home Bre and I were texting that we had did a very hard thing today and that we were grateful for one another. As I was texting her that I knew Kelden was with us and helping us. I had a thought/voice pop into my head that said calmly, don't forget about me... I started to tear up because I knew who was talking. It was Brock, my older half-brother. I deleted the part of my text that said Kelden and I said to Bre and we have two amazing brothers that were with us today helping us with our dad. I just don't know Brock's voice or presence like Kelden's because I was never around him because he has passed away before I met him. Our angels are near and they care. 

As I am writing this now, he has been there almost a month. He still has his good days and bad of not wanting to be there, but I think he is settling in. Some days he still has his things packed and ready to go when Bre comes to visit. But we got back to the saying you levels are high and we need you to be healthy. At first he thought somehow that he was only going to be there 10 days. We aren't sure where the 10 days came from, but we let him go with it because he doesn't understand time. We know his angels are with him to give him comfort. I know his mom is with him a lot. I have called upon her to be with him many of times. 

We also have MIRACLES here on this earth that are our earthly angels. He has so much people that care and love him. He is being visited and checked out to go do this that or the other. He is a good man and so many peoples lives have been touched because of him. 

We know that this hardship isn't over. Bre and I are still running into roadblocks with certain things, but we keep saying to each other that we know he is safe, we know he is getting his medications, and we know he is eating. Heavenly Father knows us and knows of our heartaches. This experience  has been unlike anything else I have gone through. I am a little tired of all the hard lately. My mind is absolutely spent. I am literally taking one day at a time (like my dad always says)