My dad getting remarried

On September 10, 2016 my dad got remarried to Cassi Lake. I had mentioned in one of my posts that I would write down more about that day and I think I'm finally ready to talk about it.

My mom and dad have been separated/ divorced now for 5 years. I always knew that one or both of them would get remarried eventually and I was okay with that. Dad started dating Cassi at the end of June. We met her for the first time when we were out there for the 4th of July. They had only been dating for about 2 weeks by that time. First impressions were okay, but normally we are pretty easy people to get along with and do give people the benefit of the doubt. She has a daughter that is still at home who is 16 and 2 sons that are out of the house and living out on the Wasatch front (still to this day I haven't met the boys). So come about August dad starts talking to me about marrying her. I was a little shocked that he was moving this fast, but not at the same time because my dad isn't the most patient man. I expressed my concerns that it was quick and that I didn't really know her (because I had only met her that once), but that if he felt like that is what he needed to do then I'd be okay with it. My little sis on the other hand was NOT okay with it. She was still living with dad and didn't care for Cassi at all. Some the things she didn't like about her were kind of petty and immature, but granted we only know my mom and how my mom acted around dad. I tried to calm her down as much as I could, but it is hard to do that when I don't even know the lady very well to try to defend her or help Breann understand Cassi better.

The second week of August comes around and we were heading down to St. George for Jessica's reception and I get this text from my dad. It is a picture of a sign he made asking Cassi to marry him. I was so upset! Because I had talked to him the day before that and he had not mentioned a thing about marriage, or proposing. I didn't reply back for a few hours because I was trying to settle my emotions. My sister calls me immediately after we got the text from dad and was crying. It is hard to settle someone else down when you are upset yourself. So we both just leaned on each other that day. I finally text my dad back and tell him congratulations and asked when the big day was. He told me that it would either be September 10, or the first part of October, depending on when the cancelation of his sealing and also Cassi's were cleared. I was again in shock. It was only 3 weeks away if they were to get married on the 10th.

I would do good one day accepting all these crazy whirl wind of events and then other days I would have horrible days. I was having a hard time because first off I had only met the lady once and now she was suppose to be a big part of my life. Secondly, because they were getting married in the temple and I didn't know how to handle watching my dad get sealed to another woman besides my mom. I know I wasn't physically there on my parents wedding day, but still it just made it a little bit more real that my parents really weren't together anymore. No one  close to me could help me through these emotions because no one had ever experienced something like this. I also had a hard time because I knew that I had to be the strong one out of my siblings because I usually set the tone of the family by my actions. I also knew that I would be the only one out of both sides of the kids that could go to the temple with them to see them get married. I wasn't too fond of that idea too because I was needing the strength of my siblings. I know Ty is my super partner and shares with me my pains, but this is one of the instances that I needed my siblings.

Come Labor Day weekend (the first part of September) we went out for the Massey reunion. This was my second time meeting Cassi. It was more awkward this time because they were officially engaged now. At the reunion  I didn't interact much with my dad and Cassi because I didn't know how to handle them and also I wanted to enjoy time with my Massey side that I don't get to see very often. That Sunday we went to my dad's for lunch and he went off into the other room and I was able to have some alone time with Cassi and her daughter Randy. She asked me how to handle Breann because Bre was being a little bit of a brat, not being mean to her just mostly ignoring her and not really being around when Cassi was. I told her that she needed to give Bre her space and that she would come around eventually. I was also able to tell her that I was alright with dad getting remarried, but that it was a little hard because I didn't know her very well. I also expressed to her that I wasn't looking for another "mom" in my life, but that I would accept her as my dad's wife. She seemed to handle that really well and told me that she understood, but she still wanted to be involved in my life a bit because she wanted to be a grandma of sorts to my kids. Our relationship hasn't been horrible, but it is still a little strained because we just don't know each other very well. It will take time, and it is hard where were live in Spanish and they live in Vernal. We haven't been back to Vernal since they got married because we haven't had a reason to go out. They also have been coming out here at least once a month, so we have got to see them. Out of me and my siblings I think I am the only one that has had a real conversation with her and told her my feelings and where I stood on about the whole step mom thing. I do seem to think that has helped her and I because she knows where I stand.

The weekend after Labor Day was when they got married. We didn't spend the weekend in Vernal because we had just gotten back from there. We went out Saturday morning and came back right after the luncheon. It was an emotionally draining day for me and I am glad that I was able to come home to my own place and just decompress a bit. I was full of anxiousness that morning. I didn't know how I was going to react in the temple, I didn't know how the luncheon was going to go, I didn't know how meeting her side of the family was going to go, lots of unknowns were that day and I didn't like that. We got to the temple and we missed the first filing into the sealing room and so when we got into the room the only places to sit were on the front row by the alter. I could see all my side of the family and they all could see me. Not the most pristine spot of the room. I really was hoping for the back row. I was doing alright waiting in the sealing room, saying lots of prayers that I could make it through the ceremony and that I could feel at peace about things. But the second my dad and Cassi walked into the room, I lost it. I started crying and I have never experienced the fight or flight mode as bad as I did when they walked in. I was so so so close to getting up and walking out of the room. Good thing Ty was holding my hand or I think I really would have walked out. I also had to take a deep breath and tell myself that it would cause even more of a scene to have everyone see me walk out. So I sat there and stared down at my lap/ carpet letting the tears fall as the sealer stood up to address us. I would stop crying for a minute and then I would glance at my dad and I would just start again. I was embarrassed because everyone could see me crying and I was the only one in that room that was. Her side of the family was probably looking at me like I was a crazy person (I still hadn't met any of her side yet). It was awful. They were sealed and I couldn't watch. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone and I wanted to get out of there as quick as I could. Once the sealing was over and everyone was standing up to congratulate them as a couple, I knew I didn't want to be the first one to do that. I needed to calm down a bit, and I didn't want everyone watching me. ( I also blame some of the emotions on being pregnant because everything seems to intensify when you are pregnant). My aunts were there at the sealing and all tried to comfort me, but most of them had tears in their eyes too when they saw me. The gave me hugs, and told me that I was strong and that everything would be alright. I was glad that I knew at least my side of the family saw why I was struggling and didn't judge me for it. I did go congratulate Dad and Cassi. I gave them both hugs and my dad kind of held on to me just a little longer than usual. He had some unshed tears in his eyes because he saw how hard this was on me.

I think also what happened with a lot of my emotions of that day had to deal with how my dad handled things too. He was pretty insensitive about how nervous we were about him marrying someone so quick and blew off our concerns. He more or less told us that he prayed about it and knew it was right. So we were just suppose to be alright with it. Which is how my dad rolls. Kind of his way or the highway type of deal. Love him, but he is a stinker sometimes.

So after the temple we went to go get the kids and Breann for pictures. I had calmed down a bit by then, but then when Bre asked me how it went I started to tear up again. She said "that well huh?" We rushed back to the temple and took pictures and planted smiling faces on. My siblings were there for pictures, but Cassi's two oldest boys didn't come. I know that had to be sad on her end. We went to the luncheon and we sat with the Massey's and Cassi's family stayed to themselves as well. It was kind of awkward, but we made it through.

All in all that day was just an emotional day and I'm glad that it is over with. Dad seems happy, and not so lonely. Cassi is nice, just not what we are used too. She is loud, pretty opinionated, and cusses a bit to my dad. The exact opposite of my mom, which is alright. But it is hard when I'm so like my mom to be around someone that is that loud, I suppose. Breann is a bit better with her now because she isn't living at Dad's anymore. Her and Justin bought a house. It is now Kelden that is having a hard time with Cassi, but mostly her 16 year old daughter because I guess she talks back to her mom quite a bit and that is not how we were raised.

I know I am strong and this was another one of those experiences that I had that shows me that I can do hard things. I wanted to write this experience down to remind myself of that and also to show my posterity that hard things do come in life and that we don't always get to run away from them. We have to push through and most of the time when you are done pushing through you see that you made it out just fine. I am fine and I am the one that is in charge of my feelings and how I deal with things. You are always stronger than you think you are or can be.